What do you do?

It's been over a month and it's time to get back on the blog-wagon. These past six weeks have been fun, even if they have felt a little like some kind of time warp. The break started out fairly family oriented, with my granny from Maine around and obviously a whole lot of Christmas bullshit. It was actually pleasant but when your parents live in the country and there's a certain obligation to spend time with your family the house can turn into this black hole. Not living there anymore there's not much of mine there and so not too much to do. It's comfortable but its not really my house. I also have realized that I really, really prefer having friends as roommates. Waking up and spending a few hours fucking around on the computer is getting boring compared to waking up and spending a few hours watching Judge Joe Brown with Brittany and Jesse.

I've stayed clandestinely stoned a lot. I bought a one-hitter and some Bob Hope, and then later on some hash. Anti-boredom self medication but it doesn't work like that for me anymore. It's just another state of mind I can put myself in, and when I spend all day sitting around anyway its still boring. It is definitely nice ranging around in the country all bundled up in boots and a coat and getting high along the trail above the main ravine here. I went for a lot of walks. The woods have this stoic Kansas beauty which I love. My parents walk the trails too but they don't stop. Sometimes I just stand in place and watch the play of light in the trees. One snowy and moonlit night I went out with my dog to walk in the woods and fields and when he ran back to the house and I was alone I felt the overwhelming presence of nature; the green man surrounded me. I think there is a presence made by non-presence, the knowledge of aloneness. Privacy, I think, is a phenomenon which happens when there are people nearby but you have your own sanctum for a moment. Privacy is a societal phenomenon. We are never truly alone in privacy, but in the woods, knowing the only minds around are those of animals, we feel true solitude. I suddenly realized how precious it is to be in solitude and how rare it is. Many people have never felt it at all and I think it would scare them. It makes your body irrelevant, the public face is suddenly unnecessary. There is not even a need to have one's attitude towards others prepared in case of sudden intrusion as in the case of privacy. It makes clear that you are de trop, especially if there is nothing waiting for you to get back. I love my home.

Socially this break has been strange. I find that when I come back home, I have less and less time for all the friends who I don't spend time with every day, and I want to hang out with crew squad more and more. When you're home but have no time to develop other friendships then the very closest it's hard to want to do anything but be with your best friends. My social life here is in stasis. I wish I was 21. Everyone wants to go to bars on the weekends now instead of find parties, and can I blame them? Since two nasty blackout drunks in rapid succession on New Years and at a show a few days later I'm trying to take it easy. Maybe not drink less often, just pace myself and drink less. I'm sure this resolution will fall by the wayside as soon as it gets nice out but for the few months of horrific shitty weather more I think I'll be taking it easy. Hopefully I don't go crazy. I hope I can keep working out, it makes me feel good.

Stay doomed.